Underscores make for the best titles, so without further ado: _

As I sit here in my room, listening to the incessant sounds of small children playing whilst waiting for Miriam to get back from work (so that I may ring her) I realise that I have somewhat of a growing dependancy on her.

I realise that soon it will be so advanced that I won't really feel entirely right if I'm not with her.

This makes me feel a little vulnerable and a little bit too much like a teenager than I am normally accustomed to, but I don't really care either.

Because I am a hapless, love-struck fool and couldn't be more glad about it.

And also I'm a ninja (to even out the large amount of non-manliness in this entry).

Watertight

For the first time in what has seemed like quite a long while I feel more than content with my life. The happiness I attempt to hold close to me no longer trickles through the cracks in my cupped hands; it simply stays.

I feel like a lightbulb that has been turned on for the first time in years, illuminating darkness and bathing its surroundings in warmth. 

Like a puzzle made a little more complete thanks to the recent addition of a few pretty pieces.

I will end the sappiness here as the source of my happiness is a reader and I do not want her to think that I am lame.

blergh.

I cannot help but feel that if I truly wanted to I could make the jump from loveless to romantically successful. It is as if romance is merely beyond my fingertips, almost like it is taunting me. 

Maybe I should humour the sadistic entity that is love and make an attempt at some sort of romantic acquaintanceship.

Also.

My love life is unusually uneventful lately and I am very stressed about school and growing up and trying to get into a university and if I'm really cut out to be a doctor or if I'm just one of those people who sets their goals way too high and if I'll even be any good at it or if I'll just end up killing a bunch of people and having to go to jail for criminal negligence.

But yeah, shit's pretty sweet too.

"There's love if you want it, don't sound like no sonnet, my love"

Absence

If you're wondering why I have been neglecting this blog, then wonder no more; that curiosity that has just been eating away at you over the past few days shall soon be quelled.

(Ah, online sarcasm... is there really anything greater?)

My absence may be explained by a very simple observation. Whenever there is a noticeable lack of tragedy in my life, there is a noticeable atmosphere of boredom. Well that's not entirely true, the lack of tragedy also has to coincide with a severe lack of anything interesting.

It saddens me that my life should require someone to fuck me over in order to be interesting. It saddens me more that more often than not, it is I who does the fucking over and am also the one being fucked over in the process. 

I really shouldn't let my pitiful, melodramatic teen angst get me down, so I'll leave before it does.

mmm.

Pathetic.scum.filth.sleaze.slime.

I am a pathetic, lovelorn fool.

When confiding my problems in a friend recently I was told that I should simply 'go with the flow'. This is all well and good to say, except for the fact that I have never had any apparent perception of 'flow'.

Instead of trying to judge something which I know that I cannot, I simply attempt to make my own flow. Results are rarely good and often disastrous.

But then again, would 'going with the flow' really yield any positive results either? I mean, it seems only logical that we should have to struggle for that which we want. Maybe a better piece of advice would be to fight the flow, because let's face it, life wants nothing more than to make you its bitch. 

Although the current predicament I am in  would have been made a whole lot easier had I not fought against the currents of life in a previous situation. 

Maybe I have a subconscious desire to be severely unhappy. I am always either bereft through fate or choice. But then again, it seems only right a guy my age should have some form of commitment problem. I should just stop reading into things so very deeply. 

All in all, I am one severely fucked up individual.