Raindrops on a hot tin roof.

Well, today was my first day of school. 

It wasn't too bad; I mean it sure as hell doesn't beat staying at home whilst playing guitar and myspacing, but it's good to see everyone again. 

I got revoltingly large amounts of homework today; physics is still as boring as ever.

I can't wait for my first MEXX class, that should be good.

I got to an interesting part in a philosophy book I was reading that talked about consolidation for sexual disfunction. I chuckled the whole way through.. well that's an exaggeration , but I did laugh a few times. There was a really cool part in there that talked about how for all of our human 'boons', like wisdom and such, we pay an extremely heavy price, like anxiety, stress, grief, that sort of thing.

I should do a real entry but it is quite late.

Don't worry I'll be back to writing vague and pseudo intellectual blogs in no time at all. Expect some complaining.

Oh and also, it's raining extremely heavy right now and it sounds great. I wish it sounded like this all the time.

I think it's time to blow this joint.

At present it is the eve before the first day of my senior year. 

I've got some very contradictory feelings regarding it. I'm both anxious and excited, for I'm sure this year will hold disappointment, a constant and deep seated nervousness as well as a heavy workload; on the other hand, however, this year is also going to be quite a lot of fun when I can get my mind off of my academic ambitions and desires. Oh well, enough about the foreboding, shadow of school which is currently looming over me.

I watched I Heart Huckabees this morning, it always makes me think, and I really just get some of the things the main character talks about. Especially in the ending scenes where he realises how life works (pretty much anyway) and he talks about how life isn't what either of those groups think it is. 

Brief group synopsis for the utterly confused:

One group believes that everything we do in life is connected. You know like there's no such thing as a coincidence and all that stuff. To quote Dustin Hoffman (who plays his role marvelously I might add) "If you look close enough at my nose, you can't tell where I end and the air begins".

And then you've got the other group.. well group is most probably the wrong word to use, since it's just a single woman. But anyway, she believes that we are all alone; nothing we do is connected, we are as separate as bodies in the universe.  

Group synopsis over.

Anyway, yeh the main character realises that life isn't about what either of them are spouting but kind of just somewhere in between. Like we are all alone, yet connected in ways that we don't really understand; but that doesn't mean everything we do has a meaning.

I can't really explain it that well, but it just makes so much sense to me whenever I watch the movie.

Probably not so much when I try to rationalize why though.

Oh well it's 10:30 and I have to comply with the rules the ol' gaol wardens are imposing. 

See you space cowboy..

I'm way too cliche with my metaphors

You know what I've come to realise? It's that this blog is just another mask, another tool to manipulate peoples view of me. But maybe that's exactly why I like writing this so much. It lets me be in complete control of my representation to you, the extremely avid and oh so enthusiastic reader (note the sarcasm).

On second thoughts masks are really much too cliche a metaphor to use here, and now that I think about it, totally inaccurate.

I'd say my personality is more like a lego set. It's capable of being something complete, but I'm not going to do that. But I'm like the unfocused youngster,  just dicking around making it into whatever seems like the best idea at the time even if it turns out to be a complete failure.

Or maybe it's more like a puzzle that no-one has ever really seen complete?

Whatever it is, it's confusing. It's probably just my raging teenage hormones and high levels of angst talking, but I'm not really even sure who I am.

Note to self: Stop falling for every girl who shows you affection, this is not The Mighty Boosh, things will not turn out well as they did for Howard.

It's enough to make anyone want to top themselves

Why is it that the most amazing girls are always caught up in such complicated matters? Furthermore, why is it that I feel compelled to jump right into the middle of these twisted love triangles and make a lame attempt at stirring things up?

But maybe, just maybe it's that these girls aren't amazing or brilliant in any way shape or form, but rather that I convince myself that they're all the epitome of perfection just because I'm fucked up enough to want to be in the middle of whatever situation they're in.

I'm going to find some brilliant girl who isn't madly in love with her ex boyfriend or has some horrible issues with her parents or likes to be bitten in bed. Neither of these are acceptable qualities in women; that's the truth no matter how many times I tell myself it's not.

Goodnight my lone reader. Hope this insight into my mind was.... insightful?

Do you know me?

I think I'm too cynical for my own good; I wish I could just romanticise reality and have an optimistic outlook. 

But no, I guess it's just my nature to focus on all that is bad in my life and nothing that is good. To see every fault in others and no redeeming qualities. 

Here's a badly written poem that uses too much rhyming. Enjoy everything I hate about myself.

The sun rises each and every day,

This much is an immutable fact.

Yet there are still those who say:

(With not the slightest discretion or tact)

 

“That for the two of us now and always this night shall last forever,

It doesn’t matter if we part, for our love will outlast eternity.”

I ask a simple question.

Why is the here and now too short for us to be together?

Is your haste so great that I am not permitted to admire your beauty?

 

To romanticise is to deny the sun,

This much is an immutable fact.

Yet to romanticise is to be two, not one.

So I say fuck my tact.

I'm too spent to be expending so much energy.

I have to go right now, but I promise that I will edit this tomorrow as well as post another entry.

Edit:

Well I'm a bit late with this blog, but that's probably because I've already written it. I wrote it and the power went out before I could publish it; life's a bitch eh?

I feel spent, exhausted and neglected and are in no way neither physically nor mentally prepared for the hell that is school. It was alright until senior, but it's definitely just way too stressful for me.  I always feel so depressed during the school term, so I'm definitely not looking forward to that.

No rest for the wicked

This is to be my first entry in the wonderful world of online blogging. 

Maybe I should start with why I have decided to create this page? Well we can put it down to one person really; someone who I don't really know all too well in the sense of time and space, but someone who has nonetheless influenced my life in profound and wonderful ways. The person I am talking about knows who she is (hopefully) and needs no further explanation to others unaware of her identity.

But without further ado, I present to you a vehement  tidal wave of the illogical ideas that inhabit my mind:

Sometimes it really is the little things that count, you know? Some offhanded remark can either leave you with a sense of great achievement or otherwise shattered to the very core of your psyche. The worst part of it all is that most of the time it is offhanded and nonchalant; it's like the person saying these things has no qualms with telling me that my dreams are bollocks or that I'm not very good at the things I do. I hate that every good feeling I have about myself can be reduced to rubble with some snide remark from some pretentious muppet. But you know, all that is just symptoms of something bigger. I hate being self conscious to an extent where I interpret every little thing someone says until I can find something wrong with everything I am.

I watched a movie that I had bought early last year and never gotten around to actually watching. It's titled The Libertine, and it follows the downward spiral of John Wilmot (the second earl of rochester, and a gifted, albeit a quite crude, poet) and his constant pursuit of temptation. It was such a good film that I decided to watch Trainspotting afterwards, to further follow this theme of complete and utter acceptance of some of mankinds greatest vices: sex and drugs. I also saw Into the Wild the other day. 

I think the combined effect of viewing these three movies within such a short space of time has given me a hopelessly naive longing to be free. To be my own man, to not be tied down anywhere. Maybe I'll go join some sort of travelling circus?

Well I'd better not drain my mind of all its crazy tonight; as well as scaring away my very few (and most probably single) blog reader/s, it will also exhaust me of ideas for future blogs.

See you space cowboy..