I am a pathetic, lovelorn fool.

When confiding my problems in a friend recently I was told that I should simply 'go with the flow'. This is all well and good to say, except for the fact that I have never had any apparent perception of 'flow'.

Instead of trying to judge something which I know that I cannot, I simply attempt to make my own flow. Results are rarely good and often disastrous.

But then again, would 'going with the flow' really yield any positive results either? I mean, it seems only logical that we should have to struggle for that which we want. Maybe a better piece of advice would be to fight the flow, because let's face it, life wants nothing more than to make you its bitch. 

Although the current predicament I am in  would have been made a whole lot easier had I not fought against the currents of life in a previous situation. 

Maybe I have a subconscious desire to be severely unhappy. I am always either bereft through fate or choice. But then again, it seems only right a guy my age should have some form of commitment problem. I should just stop reading into things so very deeply. 

All in all, I am one severely fucked up individual.

What in hell's name is wrong with me?

I've been down this road before, and I know that it's probably just going to lead to something either very depressing or very frustrating (or most likely both).

I think I'll take my chances and go down there. It is a very scenic route after all.

Oh women, you make me feel worse than anything else in the world. But I keep coming back for more, don't I.

You know, I really don't know.

I like having conversations like that; where everything the other person says is said solely to make you think better of them so that maybe you can make some stupid decisions later on.

And stupid decisions I made, but she said it was a mistake. I'm sure I'd be alright if she wasn't so darned amazing.

*Sigh* Why do these amazing girls keep coming so close and then running away?

But I'm almost sure this one is my fault entirely once again.

Maybe it's because my personality is so shallow. I mean I'm sure it seems exciting for the first few hours or so of conversation, but once you get past that initial stuff I'm really just not that great. Maybe I should work on that.

Or get prettier/handsomer, I'm sure that'd help.

I better get to bed before I get all depressed like every other time I write in this stupid blog.

Does anyone even read this thing anymore?

You left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

I've realised that I'm nothing more than the 'mistake' to any girl I show any affection towards.

It's all I am and probably all I'll ever be.

Realisations.

A good friend told me last night that I am probably destined to be one of those people who spend their whole life alone, looking for a significant other. She also told me that if she wasn't such a good friend she'd think I was an overly emotional sleaze. It was very blunt, but I'm glad someone was honest with me.

It bummed me out a fair bit since I feel that this good friend has had nothing short of a huge impact on my life, even if I don't see her much anymore. But those words she spoke really did ring true.

In saying that however, I also feel that it's not my fault I desire some meaningful human contact in my life.

I also feel that the fact that I do get a bit frustrated or maybe a little emotional when I am denied that much is only logical. I'm not one to stand down when something doesn't go my way, which is probably why this good friend of mine told me I'd be alone my whole life.

I think I should stop posting in this, it's really just horribly written, self-pitying drivel that makes me feel much worse than I probably should.

But hey that's realisations for you; often depressing and rarely amazing.

You'll be damned to pining through the windowpanes you know?

Over the ramparts you tossed
The scent of your skin and some foreign flowers
Tied to a brick
Sweet as a song
The years have been short but the days were long.

I can't help but feel as if this is all my fault. I know that deep down I've gone wrong somewhere; I've done something I shouldn't have or said something the completely wrong way. I've let something amazing slip through my fingers and have no one to blame but myself. 

One day, I'll be good at this,  I'll be able to say and do all the right things. But until then I guess I should just get used to flying solo (WARNING, cynical lols ahead: "though it feels a little more like crash and burn solo, amiright?").

Well, that was a depressing blog entry. So here's pretty much my thoughts at the moment in short:

Fuck our human nature and that most primal desire which is to feel loved (and therefore continue our race).

Fuck the fact that I'm not good at this whole 'women' business.

Fuck the fact that the combination of these two make for one relatively unhappy individual.

And most of all, fuck the fact that I only gauge my self-esteem on other's views of me (writing it down will change nothing).

I guess I'll just raise my glass and keep it in eh?

This is the beginning of tonight's blog.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

That concludes tonight's blog.

I am the horribly cliche type of guy.

I can't help but feel as if my life lacks meaning, a certain sense of direction. I'd even go as far as to say that there's nothing I'm really even fervent about right now. Well, actually that's a lie; I guess there are some things I really do apply myself to with vigor.. passion even (it sounds horribly cliche, but I'm just that type of a guy).

But what use is applying passion if it only lands me in some dank pit of ambiguity and gloom?It's probably the small hope that maybe one day I'll climb out of that pit and be met with certainty and happiness. 

But until then I'm just sitting here trying as hard as I can to find my way out; and from my attempts, it seems that I'm not a very good climber.. not in the least.

One should also note that my life isn't all doom and gloom. Though I may not be where I ideally want to be at this very moment and while I am not quite content with staying there, I am still very much quite happy that I at least mean something (though what that something is I am very unsure of).

jklsjfl

I wish that I wasn't so impatient; then I wouldn't have to be so very despondent so very often.

I wish that I wasn't so very melodramatic when anything doesn't immediately go my way; then I wouldn't inadvertently hurt people with my self pitying drivel.

But more than these, I just wish life were a little more perfect and a lot easier.

 

This is possibly the worst blog I've ever written.

I want to make some time for reading, I recently bought some really nice books and would very much enjoy a day where I could just laze about and read.  But I'm sure I'll have plenty of days where I'll be able to do this on the holidays. Especially seeing as I'm being taken to Brisbane for the majority of my holidays.

In fact I could probably be spending this time reading. But for some strange reason I do not feel compelled to anymore.

I could sit here and write a huge paragraph about what I'm feeling, but I think I'll be a little more blunt and just say it straight up.

I just tried to be blunt and was met with dismal failure, so I guess I'll just write some ambiguous and emotionally retarded paragraph.

Maybe I should start this off by first saying that I am not a very patient man. I do not enjoy waiting for things and barely, if ever see the point of said waiting.

So anyone who knows my current predicament must now realise that I feel as if I am going slightly insane. This is more because of the ambiguity that waiting breeds than anything else.

But the euphoric moments when I'm full of hope are also extremely good; the best I've felt in a long time. So I don't really know what to think.

Also I'm pretty sure you should tell me what you said :)

I'm no free spirit; I'm just fucking lonely.

I try to put on a big act that everything doesn't worry me too much.  But somewhere beneath what I'm sure is an extremely shallow mask lies the not-so-well-hidden fact that I'm just some sentimental screw up with a lot of insecurities and a case of unrequited affection.

But this is probably just me over-thinking and scrutinizing every little detail in my life. 

It's amazing how one small act can affect me so profoundly, how one nonchalant comment can make me rethink and question a lot of the decisions I've made in life. I wish I could exude confidence as easily as everybody else seems to. But maybe deep down everyone feels this way, and I'm just a rubbish actor?

I just wish that life could be a whole lot easier than it was, but then again, I'd probably complain about that too.

This is why nobody should ever take my complaining to heart, because when it all comes down to it that's all it is: complaining.

Damn these titles.

It's probably just because I'm tired (and when I get tired I do get a little grumpy and depressive) or possibly because I've just gotten over a wave of euphoria, but I'm seeing a lot of negative aspects in everything lately. 

It's hard to explain but I just can't help but feel as if everything I've been saying lately is useless and inadequate. I'd say it's all stemming from some frustrating things that have been happening lately. I mean it's only really frustrating because I can't help but feel that happiness is just one small step away.  You know I feel really immature and selfish writing these things down. But I guess no matter what anyone says to disprove it, man has a natural disposition to put himself before others.

I know I like her, I just wish she could be a little clearer about how she feels. In saying that however, I don't want to rush her because she has just gotten out of something that was probably quite traumatic and damaging to her.

I guess this is why they say patience is a virtue. Yet patience does scare me a little bit too, I can't help but fear that if I wait too long things will get tepid. 

In conclusion, I'm a bit of a fuckhead with a bad case of selfishness.

You might as well just not read it.

I have nothing to write about, so please excuse the first few sentences as I ramble on until I find something with some substance to talk about.

I wish life were easy. In a perfect world we could all have exactly what we wanted without it impacting upon anyone else- nah that's a lame subject bro.

Talk about women.

It does kind of hurt you know, but only in a selfish sort of way.

What's a few weeks (or months for that matter) of waiting going to do?

I guess the real problem here is that I fear the aftermath of her confusion. What if she realises she doesn't have those feelings for me?

At least I'm not really feeling that whole rejection blues thing anymore, which I guess is a plus.

She is rather amazing though.

Sorry for the lame blog, I'm drained bro.

If you say fork fast enough it sounds dirty.

I hate these forks in the road where you have to choose one way or another. We have no way of knowing what lies ahead on these paths, and what is frustrating is that they're probably going to end up at the same place. Do we continue down a path that requires hope and will most likely lead to exactly where we are now, or do we take the other path just to spice things up for a change?

The only method of deciding on my route is through my current outlook on life, which isn't much help since it seems to change almost daily.

I'm tired of being awash in these pedantic motions. I need some certainty in my life, something that I can hold onto.

Can't think of a title.

Why is it that I have this tendency to liken every aspect of my life towards movies. Is it because hollywood shows no integrity in any of the movies I watch and they always end on a positive not?Is it because I see these movies and empathise, because I too aspire to have my life on a (more?) positive note? I'd say this is definitely the main reason. 

I don't know why, but I've been feeling extremely insecure lately. It's hard to voice these insecurities because I really can't put my finger on either the root or many of the symptoms of the problem. I just wish I was whatever (whoever?) it is I want to be, I'm sure it'd make life a whole lot easier.

Well, enough of my incessant whinging, here's that longer, typed affirmation I promised you Megan:

I know I've said it before, but I sincerely believe that you should never change; here's some of the reasons why:

I know that I go a bit far with my jokes, especially those of the sexist category. There is really only one thing that really makes me stop, or at least ease up on them these days. This is my fear that for even one short moment in time that you might stop smiling and glare at me. You should be proud of this glare, it is a very useful glare.

There are not many people in this world that I can talk literature to, and to have someone like you who not only knows of writers but has also read some of their works makes me feel a lot less isolated. Especially when I can so effortlessly change the author of our focus from Austen to Rowling (I've said it before, but I really do like that).

A lot of downright miserable stuff has happened to you lately, and I want you to know that you're an amazing person and as such do not deserve these things. But I also know that you're a strong willed, independent and beautiful person; so if anyone can power through these things, it's you.